Musk had mentioned, “Or you may be the primary to check my time machine.” I had landed proper in the course of the 2024 presidential marketing campaign.

It had been a tough run for the Democrats. After a harrowing main season that includes a number of hundred candidates left voters confused, the social gathering merely began itemizing potential presidents on the ballots as: the black one, the gender-ambiguous one, Beto, the man who appears like Beto however is from Ohio, and no-chance governors I, II, and III.

Mayor Pete (who, like Elvis and Bono, had merely deserted any surname) had a short surge of recognition after unveiling his new marketing campaign slogan, “Don’t Overlook I’m Homosexual!” His SNL internet hosting gig was a failure, nonetheless, after a vicious Bowen Yang skit dismissing him as a has been. “Go residence, Dad, and take heed to Madonna,” briefly turned a nationwide catchphrase.

Ultimately, exhausted Democrats simply nominated a visibly intubated Joe Biden for a second time period.

There was no try to cover the truth that Joe is likely to be technically lifeless, with numerous medical units animating him. Physician Jill was all the time at his aspect and catching her lips shifting whereas Joe “talked” was a preferred Tik-Tok meme, for some time. Kamala was listed for authorized functions because the Veep however made no public appearances. Amid rumors she had had cosmetic surgery and legally modified her title, it was unclear whether or not she nonetheless lived in North America.

Biden’s issues had accrued during the last three years like a foul Sunday night time snowfall. The Biden infrastructure plan, as soon as known as Construct Again Higher and priced at $3.5 trillion, had been floor down after years of debate to simply providing free parking at some sporting occasions. A Dem plan suggesting America’s subsequent plane provider be named the USS Brandon proved embarrassing. Boys truly named Brandon started calling themselves Biden to keep away from being overwhelmed up on the playground.

After the Nice 2022 Midterm Bloodbath, the Democrats gave up on precise laws and caught fully to eradicating Civil Struggle memorials. The ultimate blow to Democratic energy got here when the Republican majority beat up the final Democratic senators within the Capitol cafeteria and stole their lunch cash (“An tried coup,” reported Maddow).

When it comes to international coverage, Biden was additional embarrassed when the Taliban legalized on line casino playing and turned Afghanistan into a worldwide movie star mecca. The final Individuals have been lastly evacuated on George Clooney’s non-public jet. Determined, the Biden administration sought to choose a combat with China.

Issues bought sizzling after a Chinese language warship supposedly rammed an American one within the Gulf of Tonkin, however the nascent struggle was stopped by Jeff Bezos. Bezos, by way of quiet acquisitions, had secretly grow to be the world’s largest arms seller, and ended the combat earlier than it actually started by canceling each side’ Prime accounts.

By summer season 2024 the one factor left for Democrats to run on was the slogan “Purple, White, Blue, Not Orange” and rumors Trump had plans for a brand new hotel-casino in Kabul. An exasperated Vladimir Putin, weary of coping with non-starters like Trump and Biden, briefly campaigned for a variety of third-party candidates in key states.

Candidate Trump had not but chosen his operating mate. As a substitute of the same old nominating conference setting, Trump deliberate an Apprentice. After vetting a number of candidates by blood kind (“The twenty fifth Modification could require him to donate organs to me,” Trump tweeted. Yeah, that’s again, too) the candidate deliberate what the MSM dubbed “political-style Squid Video games” to make the ultimate choice.

Behind his new signature slogan, “I Received’t Inform Your Spouse You Voted for Me,” Trump stuffed stadiums. CNN targeted more and more on movies of its reporters punching Trump voters within the abdomen. Chris Cuomo joined the WWE.

The true information from 2024 was that the precise voting course of had modified a lot nobody was certain how a winner can be chosen. Championed by California, precise “mail-in” voting started a yr earlier than election day and allowed anybody to vote through Twitter retweet for Democrats, whereas requiring Republican voters to unravel a collection of more and more complicated mathematical puzzles to disclose the one polling place open to them.

Texas, then again, handed new laws permitting residents to sue anybody who voted Democrat. Because the nation approached November 2024, there have been 51 distinct and radically totally different programs. Afghanistan, which had utilized for U.S. statehood, was being allowed to vote in 2024 after Jeff Bezos’s private intervention following his acquisition of 98 % of its arable land.

Bezos’s earlier suggestion, that each one voting be achieved through Prime Factors, was pushed ahead to 2028. The Amazon proprietor is so highly effective that when loading new software program on his telephone, the software program should settle for his phrases and situations.

The as soon as sturdy rumble-tumble political system had reached the purpose the place the one viable candidates have been two geriatric lab experiments. For the primary time in historical past the sum of each candidates’ disapproval score was over 100%. The voting course of itself had devolved into one thing so crooked and complicated the one factor left for the ultimate fall from democracy can be to switch it with precise gladiatorial fight (“A nationwide townhall occasion”) amongst Purple and Blue voters. That’s scheduled for subsequent January 6 as a trial run. Chris Cuomo will host.

Absolutely the solely factor Individuals agreed on in 2024 was that nobody believed any election outcomes. The opposite factor usually understood was that, ultimately, who was elected president didn’t actually matter a lot. Irrespective of who was being saved alive within the Oval Workplace-ICU, nothing of substance was going to alter. The true selections have been being made for sport and revenue by the oligarchs.

Or it could be that we simply turned ungovernable. Seeing the long run made the long run look hazier than ever earlier than.

As for the remainder of 2024, I have to be cautious about what I disclose, as nobody ought to know an excessive amount of about their future. However…the brand new iPhone prices greater than the final one. Mick Jagger’s pact with Devil for everlasting life appears intact. And don’t throw away these Covid masks, you’ll nonetheless be sporting them.

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